How Did I Get Here?

"And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile. And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife. And you may ask yourself, ‘Well, how did I get here?’"

-David Byrne, Talking Heads. Remain in Light. Sire Records, 1980

So much of life can be spent drifting along. Like we’re on autopilot, asleep, floating downstream on a river, or a leaf blowing in the wind. All we have to do is fall in line, go with the flow. Gravity does the rest. Why think about the “why?” Life is about following a predetermined, prescribed path, right? Your parents, society, or the group will tell you what to do, and then all you have to do is show up, go through the motions, and you’ll find success. Right?

Follow the rules, don’t ask questions, don’t overthink it. Go to school, graduate, get a job, get married, buy a house, have kids. Make money, buy things, build wealth. Smile, wave to your neighbor, cut the grass, rake the leaves. Drive to work, drive home, park that big car in that big garage. “Honey, I’m home!” The American Dream.

I don’t think there’s anything inherently “wrong” with living the “American Dream.” If there’s intention behind that path--meaning you’ve thought about it independently, it fits your values, and it’s what you consciously want, then happiness and fulfillment can ensue. But if you’ve chosen that path without conscious intent, and only because it’s what you’re supposed to do, or because you’re trying to craft an image of success, then I think you might, at some point, face a reckoning.

You’ll reach a point at which you may ask yourself, as David Byrne states, “Well how did I get here?” At that point, you may be able to retrace your steps, reflect on who you are, why you did what you did, how you got here, and what you want going forward. You may determine that it was/is the best path, and continue down that road with renewed purpose, meaning, and resolve. Happiness and fulfillment can ensue.

Or, after some reflection, you may realize that this path in life is not what you thought it was. You may realize you went along because that’s what you were supposed to do. You didn’t really think about what you were doing, or why you were doing it. Then you may realize your marriage, the house you bought, and the money you made, led to conventional or material success, but it didn’t make you happy. At that point, as Byrne suggests later in the song, you may start to question everything:

And you may tell yourself, this is not my beautiful house. And you may tell yourself, this

is not my beautiful wife...And you may ask yourself ‘Am I right? Am I wrong?’ And

you may say to yourself, ‘My God! What have I done?’

Sigmund Freud popularized the concept of the unconscious. He believed that many of our behaviors are driven by motivations, wishes, desires, and fears that exist beneath conscious awareness. I think “Once in a Lifetime” is a song about the unconscious and how, in our society, we are motivated by an unconscious desire to achieve material success. This unconscious desire is fueled, in part, by a system of advertising and marketing, that makes us feel like we constantly want and need more, bigger, and better material possessions. Not only will material objects serve a functional purpose--they will, as advertising suggests, make us feel better.

I see an ad for a shiny new car. The guy driving the car is tall, handsome, and he’s wearing a leather jacket with sunglasses. He’s so free and cool driving that car. Well now I want to be that guy, and in order to be that guy, I need that car. I’m not really reflecting so much about why I need that car. It’s a feeling. I want to be that guy, so I’m gonna buy that car. So, I buy that car and I drive it for a while and it does make me feel more alive. But, after a while, those good vibes start to fade. The car doesn’t make me feel excited anymore. It just gets me from point A to point B. And I may tell myself, this is not my beautiful car.

I need a new car. So, I see an ad for a car; this time it’s a hatchback. The guy driving the car has thick rimmed black eyeglasses; he’s wearing khakis, and he’s sipping a latte. Oh, and he has a dog. A yellow Labrador Retriever. He puts the dog in the back of the car. And they listen to indie music as they drive together to the dog park where they meet a bunch of other cool people with their dogs. Well now, I want to be that guy. And in order to be that guy, I need that car.

Goodbye old car, hello new car. It’s a great new car, until it’s not. The cycle can repeat forever. For cars, lawnmowers, coffee makers, televisions, video games, computers, phones, and even relationships. This is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful wife. This is not my beautiful life.

Freud believed the goal of psychoanalysis is to help the patient become more aware of unconscious motivations so that, what was once beneath awareness, rises to the surface and becomes conscious. Through a process of introspection and reflection, the patient can become more self aware. Self awareness is like an awakening that empowers an individual to take control of their thoughts, feelings, and choices. Self awareness helps a person learn from experiences, as well as develop a value system and moral compass. It helps a person make decisions--not blindly, but with intent and purpose.

Self aware people know, more or less, about how our society works, including the systems and processes that are at play. With this awareness, they can then consciously choose to be part of the system. They can choose to pursue the American Dream. Or not. They understand that, although a beautiful car, house, and wife may not in themselves lead to happiness, they can be part of a meaningful, good life.

The process of becoming self-aware can be difficult and uncomfortable. Going with the flow is much easier than swimming upstream. A well known trail with clear guideposts is safer than the road less traveled. Questioning life can lead to the discovery of painful truths. In “Once in a Lifetime,” I believe Byrne is speaking about the uncomfortable process of questioning life and facing painful truths, when he exclaims, “My God! What have I done?”

Byrne’s exclamation also seems like it involves some amount of guilt. People sometimes think of guilt as a negative emotion. But, although it’s uncomfortable, guilt is an emotion that leads to deeper reflection, which leads to making sense of one’s experiences, which leads to growth, which can lead to fulfillment and happiness. Guilt also can be an interpersonal emotion; it causes us to reflect on how our actions affect other people. Guilt helps form the basis for empathy. Guilt is our conscience. It's what Freud called our superego.

I believe that, without the guilt and discomfort induced by self-reflection, a meaningful life is not possible. To clarify, it’s not about living in a state of constant depression, self-criticism, and questioning everything all the time. But it is about feeling the right amount of discomfort, so that a person can become self-aware enough to make decisions with purpose and intent.

Self-reflection is a process that can happen on a small scale, day to day basis. Change can happen gradually, and results can be subtle. But, there are times when the process of self-reflection has the potential to accelerate.

I believe the COVID-19 crisis is a “Once in a Lifetime” event that is creating a great deal of disruption, discomfort, pain, and suffering. Through this hardship, I believe we, as individuals and as a society, have an opportunity to reflect on where we’ve been, where we are, and where we’re going. This is the perfect time to ask, “Well, how did I get here?”

We must fight the laziness that might lead us to go with the flow. If we don’t do the work now, it will be, as Byrne repeats several times in Once in a Lifetime, “Same as it ever was.” We’ll be living with the same problems, without the awareness or resolve to make things genuinely better.

I hope we experience the necessary self-reflection and come to some important realizations. My hope is that, as with any crisis, shock, or trauma, we will come to understand what is most valuable in life. Maybe we need to slow down and look in the mirror. Maybe we need to treat each other with kindness and empathy. Maybe we need to look at each other in the eyes and truly listen to what someone else is saying. We need to value our relationships more, and our material possessions less.

Maybe we need to appreciate what we already have. How much is enough? The moment I tell myself, “This is not my beautiful house, This is not my beautiful wife,” is it really time to discard and replace? Can’t we try to work on something that’s imperfect? Could we, with purpose and intent, grow to revalue something or someone who has lost value in our eyes? What’s wrong with a used car, or an old house? Maybe this is my beautiful house. Maybe this is my beautiful wife.

What if I asked myself, “Well how did I get here?” And, even though it made me feel uncomfortable, I looked inward and realized that this is my beautiful life. Maybe we’re all capable of living a beautiful life. We just have to figure out a way to own that.

-Ethan Siegel